this blog is fucked up.

could something i say come back to haunt me? let me elaborate. like say i gave someone a silly nickname and then it's like, "oh well do you know Leija?" i dunno. maybe this is where my paranoia comes into play. i'm reading "the group" by mary mccarthy and it has me worried about gossip and public image. it's so nitpicky which is what i think of when i think of the people my parents know in cambridge and arlington and such. i guess i didn't realize that the little things i say could come back to bite me in the ass. or maybe i thought if they did bite me it wouldn't hurt much. yeah, that's probably what i thought.
speaking of posteriors, mine is looking so much better now that i have added lunges into my routine. if i do 'em a few times a week it just perks up my bottom line and that always makes a girl feel good.
i had another Tim Matheson dream the other night. what does it mean?
posted by L. Meadows 7:14 PM


I have to say, I had fun today at work. so what about the technical stuff, it's been fun.
posted by L. Meadows 6:22 PM

"all the amenities of home"

i'm watching "the pledge" starring Jack Nicholson, it's really good. i love movies with great cinematography and lighting.

so anyways, living at home again isn't that bad at all. i'm a homebody so it seems to suit me. i guess i thought that i would have been doing some cooler after graduation (class of 2002, SVA, photo major). like i thought i'd be an asst. photo editor. framing isn't so stressful or anything, and when it gets to me i just chew some gum or think about my bus ride home. i really like the 7:07 (pm) us driver. he's so talkative and interesting and always has something funny or pleasant to say. and he always sounds a little stuffed up but maybe the sounds are muffled in his nose, he has a big nose but his chin balances i out. the corners of his eyes kind of turn down a smidge, his lashes are dark and complement his blue eyes. he's got a friendly face to match his personality. and that's a rarity as far as middle-aged people on public transportation go. he has an underbite and a slight lisp when he talks. he also gets me to the square where i have to transfer with a few minutes to spare. that means i don't have to sprint across the stipmall parking lot, i can just wade through the sideview mirrors on my way to the metal benches.
posted by L. Meadows 7:11 PM 8.28.02


"oldies but goodies"

fri  8-23-02
this is no joke. so today a lesbian comes into the frame shop to pick up the piece she had dropped off a week before.  so when the guy at the counter is looking for the piece the woman is looking for her credit card to pay for it. she can't find it and she's cursing and getting agitated.   so he sets out the piece and they "ooh" and "ahh" over it and the woman says she can't pay for it because she lost her credit card.  so the piece stays and gets re-shelved and she leaves.  minutes later she returns and says "I found it.  I just stuck it where I never stick anything."  
Yes, she was referring to the credit card being in her pocket rather than her wallet.  but i'm sure you can see how i found that phrase humorous.

thu 8-22-02
i thought you might like this short story:

i was on the bus in arlington (kinda snooty area, predominantly white) and a group of teens got on.  they were talking about stupid stuff like how hungry they were and how thirsty they were. it was really hot that day.  anyway, they were deciding where to go and one of them said "oh yeah, i'm a vegetarian now." and another girl said "since when?"  and another girl said "that's SO unhealthy" and the only boy in the group chimed in with "it's SOOO bad for you and you can't get any proteins without meat."  and the new-veg said "yes you can!"  and they were all like " ok how?"  and the new-veg said "well, like, you know, with hummus and peanut butter."  and one of the girls was like "ok but how much peanut butter can you eat? you'll get sick of it."  and the guy was like "and what the hell is hummus?" pointless?  yes.  accurate portrayal of new england teens?  maybe not but pretty damn close.
posted by L. Meadows 5:02 PM

"in true form"

well, it seems very appropriate that today i write about my sister. i think she puts herself out there way more than i do. she's not stupid about it or anything. i think she wants to believe in the best in everyone and she's so much better than the people she hangs out with and the guys she chooses to like. it really pisses me off to witness her getting hurt over and over again. to some degree it is her own fault for getting involved with clearly inferior people. but i think part of it's on the other person, someone who is indifferent and sometimes callous.
she came home tonight and i guess the guy stood her up. i don't know the specifics but he's a spic (and i'm 1/2 spic so it's all good) and i wouldn't have given him the time of day. he's probably ghetto as all get out and totally stupid and NOT worth a glance. it's not like i make it point to avoid dating minorities, i just know that the calibre of the majority of brown guys is not up to par. sure. i've dated assholes of different colors but i generally avoid anyone that---hmm, would most likely disppoint me, that includes white guys but especially most brown guys. yeah, i'm racist, who isn't?

so anyways, today i planned on writing about guys who "ask" you to kiss them and when you reject their advances they don't speak to you again. but i guess i'm going to write about this instead because it really makes me mad that these guys who are worthless and literally nothing can even have an impact on her. it shouldn't be that way but it is. let's break down the facts in case you don't know: my sister and i are twins, fraternal, not close but we don't fight all the time either, and she has cerebral palsy that affects her right arm --well, that people can see and judge her by. like a lot of ignorant people think she is mentally retarded or something when they hear she has cerebral palsy. i don't know what to say to that other then she isn't. she's a normal person as far as i'm concerned. i always hate to see people staring at her hand or asking if it's contagious and crap. but i guess if they have to be rude then that's on them. it's not like she minds if someone asks her about it as long as the questions aren't blatantly insensitive. like asking if it's contagious? could you be any more of an asshole? just because someone is different than you it doesn't mean you have to judge them like that and be all weird. like who cares if her right hand touches your dinner plate or your glass? i just hate the way some people look at her, she's not a leper, she's not a freak or a misfit or anything but a little different than them. and everyone is different and flawed so why focus on it? why magnify her so-called 'handicap' and make her feel bad? it's not like she chose to be different. that's the thing i wish those assholes would think about, she didn't choose to be any certain way coming into this life. and she has feelings just like anyone else. if anything, they're the freaks for making a point to make someone else feel bad. you'd think someone wouldn't want to do something that would make others think ill of them.

yeah, she'll get over it but it'll keep happening. it'll be them and it'll be her. and i can't do anything or blame anyone, just watch it go by.

i just watched hysterical blindness last night and it's a prety good movie.
in hindsight it seems like i'm one of those pathetic girls who goes over the edge and then gets a little bit of sense but forgets it in the end. i just think about the stuff i've done to try to get/keep a guy and it's shameful. any other girl, if it were any other girl's story i'd tell her how she's better than all of that and she deserves better. i think i stew in it, moll over it for a good long while and dwell. oh, how i dwell! and i tell myself i know better now, not that i SHOULD know better by now, but that i do know better by now. maybe there's a way i can get those posts over here?
i'm doing horribly at my new job and i feel so much behind everyone else. like "thats nice for you, leija." but not good enough for them. and i aim higher but i don't get those jobs. sometimes i wish they'd send me the rejection letter claiming they have found a better qualified applicant and all that bullshit.

i have made an ass out of myself on so many occassions. why do i even bother anymore? maybe its sick, sometimes my lame antics make me laugh with everyone else. then sometimes i think they're shaking their heads, too.